Sunday, 6 October 2013

yearnings

For a split second i really wanted a rich, chewy brownie.  warm from the oven and topped with soft mound of icing.   Then, the next split second I didn't give a hoot about the brownie. I just want the pain to go away.

far away.

way far.


To back track:   I had headaches every single day,except for 6 days, for one year, July 2012 to July 2013.  This summer after a little trial of acupuncture the headaches eased.
So now I am back to "gratitudes".  Yes, I am grateful the  head aches have mostly gone. BUT i am miserable in the pain of what is probably another round of lumbar herniated discs. My neck pain remains unchanged (cervical herniations).  geesh. my spinal cord is a mess.

unfair.   unfair to have more pain.

Last week I actually saw a doc at a Headache  Pain Clinic.
 ha!   The silly substitute I had when my GP was ill,*actually more than ill as it could have been fatal*, told me the pain clinic would just get me hooked on drugs.  My experience was, that the doc at the pain clinic actually listened to me as I told him my history. He didn't cross his arms, slide his body away from me and not make eye contact or ask, "so what do you want me to do?" Family physicians are extraordinarily cruel when it comes to chronic pain, it takes time and good listening skills but they don't have the time and certainly don't want to listen. Many are reluctant to refer their patients to a "pain clinic". Add a heavy dollop of depression and their conclusions are that you are exaggerating, just wanting narcotics, needing sympathy/anti-depressants or trying to get out of work. I sure could have used some empathy from my GP's office.I don't think they know that word!
I saw a neurologist and he referred me to the Clinic. I am not sure what my GP's office put in the referring letter but the neurologist was VERY abrupt with me, and he in a patronizing tone told me to walk an hour a day-I said yes i did walk maybe even 2 hours a day (with the dog). HE said i don't care about the dog............mmmm?
The kicker was he then directed me (in a bossy,loud almost aggressive tone that it was time to  make changes in my life, so as to be happy,so move on........  most i didn't hear as i was so shocked
.mmmm?  where did this come from?  I responded by saying if i could sleep at night and live each day without pain (or less pain) I could be happier and make some changes.
...........as i left his office all I heard were some pretty big DEEP sighs.   deep
(The next day i found out from friend that this neurologist is 'right now' going through a pretty nasty divorce initiated by his wife-apparently it was unexpected and she manages his office- so quite the mess in his life. miserable man)
When I went to the Pain clinic I admitted that in the past I had had Major Clinical Depression and Caregiver Burnout at the same time. He heard and understood that at the moment I am not depressed but sad. Sad from daily pain. Tired. Weary.never a full nights sleep. And that certain medications cause such life altering side effects that i simply can not try them again. He acknowledged that this was not an easy task, to reduce my pain, but he would try. Nerve blocks might be the only solution.  Nerves that fire off in angry ballistic attacks don't settle very easily.
Tuesday I will see an osteopath and then the doc.  Blessedly they have ordered a full spine MRI.
The results will be interesting.  

now for more normal stuff

The weather here is magnificent. Evenings remain warm.,daytime can be almost hot.  My sandals are still on my feet but the Blundstones are ready in the side closet (just in case). The furnace came on in the early morning a week or two ago but now i just set it to come on low at 6 a.m. for maybe an hour.  daytime it is set to 'off". My roses still bloom and the lavender is amazing.  The Finches nibble at the seeds from the Cone Flowers & Blackeyed Suzies and since there has not been a frost yet I have kept my water fountain running. Many times during the day I find the Finches and the Robins bathing and sipping in the fountain. I love the sound of water.

The pup has his first birthday next Wednesday!  He is a complete companion for me and a darn good alert dog.  I must learn how to put photos on this mac.  soon...................

next i will tell you the tick episode with pup.
GROSS!  We bough several tick keys and until we get frost several times i will stay away from remote areas and tall grasses.
The Tick Key is kept on my key chain.     never far away from me and the pup...........oh, damn ticks were sent to the lab and thankfully were negative for Lyme Disease.

enjoy life!, till next time. The fall is so beautiful,walk and enjoy!  kick some leaves!


5 comments:

Hawkeye BrownDog said...

Hi Y'all!

Wow, so sorry we haven't been by in awhile. Have a few minutes and I was tryin' to catch up with my reading...so this will be a kinda long comment.

First, how are you feeling?...honestly...

Second, I find acupuncture from a Chinese practitioner is excellent for all kinds of pain. They are also excellent listeners and can "read between the lines"...thus the "why are you sad?" If you can go regularly...I used to go every week...

I was treated for severe migraines by a neurologist who gave me a combination of drugs to help control them...the migraines would come regularly and put me in bed for days unable to retain any food. The acupuncture was a life saver.

By the way hubby and I have also had Lymne...it's easy to cure if the doctor recognizes it and treats it immediately. Unfortunately ours went undiagnosed because we lived in the south and they said there was no Lymne this far south. This was years ago. Finally a specialist at a major medical center diagnosed it. If undiagnosed and untreated you can have severe relapses for life.

I was in an auto accident in my early 20's that injured a disc and left me on a cane in a back brace and physical therapy for years. Enter acupuncture!

I'm not saying life is pain free, but I hope it doesn't take as long for you to find relief as it did me.

Hubby had his back broken in five places (he has rods in his back now) and a broken ankle which continue to give him pain. He can't take Nsaids, so depends on acupuncture and topicals for relief. The doctor prescribes lidocaine patches for his back; he uses them when the pain keeps him from sleeping or he needs to be on his feet a lot. Just thought that might be something you can request and add to your arsenal.

BrownDog's Human

001mum said...

BrownDog's Human Oh my goodness, .

Your response is so good hearted and kind and thoughtful. Greatly appreciated.
Thank-you.
Thank-you for sharing.

I had just sent the last slow hour composing a response when my legs and back hurt so friggin' much that I had to suddenly stand to relieve the pressure….
as I stood I deleted EVERYTHING. darn. grrr

My patience is thinning thus THIS response will be short. You are right and I will try acupuncture again. Every 2-3 weeks I will go to the massage therapist who has myofascial release as a perfected art.
Walking doesn't hurt me at all. I will continue to walk with pup as much as I can. Dear Lord, he is a companion of the most perfect proportions. He listens to me (yes, he listens) and often curls up to my left (always left hip) when we rest. Our fall weather has allowed easy access to various ravines and park systems, driving is good and there isn't even that much mud about,though tomorrow's heavy dose of rain might change that! We have stayed out of the tall grasses so ticks are not so much a threat.
For the last month I have been applying "pain patch" weekly. It is called Bu Trans and I have started at the lowest dose. Sleep remains elusive at times and by 0430 I can wake up crying in pain. However, the pain is somewhat better & most nights 5 hours of continuous sleep is a victory.
I have been able to switch Docs at the pain clinic and I now see the director of the clinic. He has this job for a reason. The first reaction was to ensure better sleep for me.
He is good. He has told me to book appointments with him every 3 weeks for 30 minutes, instead of the usual (short,very short) 15 minutes.
It is possible that I will leave my professional career. The stress it causes is unmeasurable. Not sure what to do about money, I'll work it out.
It looks as if I will be able to get a new GP. (fingers crossed)

Several reasons for gratitude are sitting right in front of me and I keep averting my eyes in case I jinx any potential happiness. geesh…………

I have started seeing a therapist again. Though I have a wonderful, quirky sense of humour and LOVE to make people laugh and I am a giving, conscientious person I never, ever feel as if i am "good enough", thin enough,….. ah, you know, just not "enough". Extreme sensitivity and the overwhelming ability to feel another's pain has never allowed me to care for MYSELF>

thus, this week I will treat myself to a pedicure! and enjoy every moment

purple or hot pink?

Hawkeye BrownDog said...

Hi Y'all,

Hope today is a good one for you. Heaven only knows, but your sleep habits sound like my Hubby's. So glad you are finding doctors who are helping instead of ignoring.

If we are looking for a vet for our pups we keep looking until we find one we fill actually likes and cares about our pups...so I wonder why we often "settle" for a doctor for ourselves when we are completely happy with them...but they are on our insurance "approved" list.

So glad you found a doctor who would actually "hear" you and care about what you are telling him. Those kind of doctors are truly as "elusive as hen's teeth".

Hope y'all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

BrownDog's Human

Hawkeye BrownDog said...

P.S. What color did you choose? I probably would have gone with HOT pink, Hubby likes me in purple and my Mom would have chosen purple.
(BrownDog's Human)

001mum said...

It took me longer to get the pedicure than I expected. I finally got it and for a change chose a lovely red. Not a blood red, but a Christmas poinsettia red, with a few sparkles. nice.

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