Tuesday, 14 May 2013

when the going gets tough...........

Today I discovered something marvelous about myself.

                                 I have resilience. I am tough, I am a trooper.

My Celtic forefathers might well be clapping with pride or stomping their short legs in a strong
loud,happy reel.
Sometimes the brain itch of a annoyance,the head burn from irritation is triggered  by the constant negativity  that  ruffs up my personal space. I live with a rather moody, at times trigger tempered partner.
For years i blamed myself. Ducking and hiding and pursing my lips and biting the inside of my cheeks just to avoid a confrontational moment. Crying in the bathroom. Thank goodness for toilet paper for tears!
Then, recently my vision has improved. He uses unloving harsh words and extended silence and since I am sensitive perhaps I either over react and  end up ==================================================================================================================================================================oops! fell asleep over the laptop, must head to bed =============================================================================================================================================================================================================================================== feeling  deeply hurt.
He is not BAD and in fact very sensitive and a very good person. But he isn't mindful of tone of voice.
Tone has more resonance with me than WHAT is said. My strength today is being able to turn away and to not keep blaming myself. His burden is not my burden.

I have gratitude, I am grateful. I am sensitive.I want to help others. I am kind.I am loving.
My always taking on his angst is causing much of my unhappiness. Turing away from negativity and finding "good stuff" each day will  be good.   I am using a louder,firmer voice to tell him just that.

It is good that-well, we thought warm weather was here-a snow-hail mix on Mother's Day was quite the gasping entertainment for a few moments- it is good that our days are longer and field runs and conservation walks are pleasant. Pup is stronger, larger and will make evening walks more comfortable for me.             He can be quite alert to anyone nearby-and I will admit, him noting things I can't see in the dark is allgood. Though there must be ways I can quietly settle him before it ends in a raucous gggrrrrr...../bark.

My father-in-law had a sudden onset of vomiting for a few  days post surgery. The ops went well, very well for an almost 90 year old man. His healing was amazing. Almost no pain

Then he started to vomit last Friday evening on and off and
                  HOLY HELL-LOST HIS APPETITE!

We have said for years that would be the #1 sign of great concern.    He was a patient  where I work and the "on call' doc asked  at 1500 hrs what would I like him to do-send him out to an acute care hospital? or wait another day when we would send him home anyways. uh?  what about the next 16 hours?
He was not my patient but his day nurse had some concerns           geeesh why ask me?  heck send him out.  so the 911 call was made (we don't have an emergency dept)
For sure-i'd say it's unwise to wait too long with an elderly person. -even dehydration is enough to cause complicated complications.
So  a STAT abdominal MRI at midnight Sunday, IV fluids, anti-emetics,blood work,chest x-ray, multiple ECG's and then finally today after an gastroscopy and we got the result.
He, us, and everyone in between were worried and then blessedly relieved. It was not another feared silent Myocardial Infarction (heart attack),not a return of colon cancer , not a bowl obstruction not even the suspected adynamic ileus
 (just?)   several duodenal ulcers and esophagitis. Reflux and some abdo pain which he has been ignoring for quite some time.

Three adults who had to co-ordinate his care (2 sons and moi) managed to do so without having to sit at his bedside together even once. In fact, not one of us was at the bedside with  anyone else but my father-in-law.  The brothers never had a chance to start to play power trips -maybe text messaging is good after all?

what i learned today?

                                             TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.  

 THAT was what I expected of him.

If he had nothing good to say-just keep quiet. I wanted to say "shut up' but didn't :)  
Pass on any really important information about their dad to the um .... "other son" as needed. 
That would be fair I told him.

The always arrogant "other son" could in a split second cause an response from my husband that was automatic and ingrained from childhood years of arguing.No THOUGHT was given before either of them spoke.  It just poured out of mouths.  and then it would start. 

so i said- keep your mouth closed.  and walk away from your brother. If you have to be together and old issues arise-turn your back. He WILL be bossy and demeaning and rude and  arrogant and dictate what should be done with no intention of doing anything himself. He will as always take advantage of your ability to care and be responsible about your dad. 
Then I  told him "you will always respond in the same old way".  Be in control. deny the automatic response.

walk away.   leave. depart.  turn your head away.

We have had no contact with this other son for 18 years. My sons do not know their uncle. 
The brothers have met twice in those 17 years.  Once at a funeral(the father-in-laws lady friend) and then just once for 30 seconds this week.

to recover:

I took the dog out for the day,shopping,walking...........................lovely!  and we shared piece by piece  a banana.  piece for me. piece for him
this dog is so darn good at sharing! maybe another lesson learned ?  share what you have. it is good. allgood



Hawkeye BrownDog said...

Hi Y'all!

That is a great lesson...err...are great lessons! I've been tryin' to teach my Human that sharing thing for years now!

Y'all come by now,
Hawk aka BrownDog

001mum said...

Hawk. thanks for stopping by and commenting.
You are a very wise pup, isn't it sweet to share? but I will say if you offered me a chew on your bone I just might pause and re-think the offer. :)
Pup also got slices of apple from me today.
AND the vet loaded him up with best treats ever
while she examined him in the pre-op visit before his neuter. He now weights 36.3 pounds and growing even more every day. Stay happy!

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