Sunday, 5 August 2012


I am married for over 30 years. Is that the definition of me?

-if I know I can be more than I am, why do I stay in this marriage?
-how to pack up and leave? financially how do I manage?
-he is controlling, has negative mood swings, sarcastic manipulation alternating with sensitive, kindness and generosity.  This creates intense uncertainty and  then hopefulness  it would improve.
-days and days and days of silence,sometimes staying alone in the bedroom while I managed on my own
-his refusing personal or marital counselling
-hating touch,                 to be touched                    or touching
soft touch, hand holding, sitting right beside me shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, thighs warmly close. I love that closeness.

I doubt my own strengths and ability to be on my own.

the crux of this is that I have no place to go

I explained once to one of my health care providers that a marriage like this creates isolation from family and friends . He suggested that I go out with friends or on a short one to two night overnight trip to see if I feel better away from him.ahah, no one to do this with. (don't bother me with improper grammar - I am sure you get my point)
A contented "front" is protection from enquiries,either in embarrassment or in defence. I have created my own world where no explanations are invited. My moods over time were manipulated, so even if I thought I was  contented, happy, feeling good if
I was told our life was shit  and that everyone else is to blame for his being alone.
feeling alone.

Miserable complaints about  every single person he works with, drives beside, sees in the grocery store, watches in the news, on the news

Insidious onset.

I now walk away, ignore him.  no more  do I validate that he is right nor do i argue
He is NOT right.

This is the first time I have directly addressed my awareness that it might not me to blame.  I  am so not perfect and I do push people away, but do I deserve this?

maybe I'll just keep driving and never ever stop?
I'm not finished with these thoughts, but I will post  and think more on what to do.

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