Tuesday, 1 May 2012


A tight,constantly tight throat is certainly a sign of stress. I am seriously uncomfortable.

First, I will count a few blessings.

someone's not impressed !

apple blossoms in the rain offer an interlude
(I'm searching for blessings)

My youngest son came back yesterday from a four day wilderness canoe trip up north with three friends. They had a fabulous trip,it didn't get too cold,it didn't snow (like it did one week ago, a brutal 30cm).they ate well (caught spring trout one day) and fine-tuned their wilderness skills.
I am grateful that on the long drive back (in heavy rain-in fact, the rain only started when their canoes touched shore on their return trip-sweet!)  my son's acute and blessed quick driving skills avoided a catastrophic accident.  (scenario: heavy rain,outside lane, passing a transport truck that was in the middle lane, truck suddenly moving left, then right, then left again and closer to the car, then over white line). Son booted car forward and safely shot forward on the paved "breakdown" lane).  His buddies woke up to the car horn blasting a warning to the truck and the serge and twisting to the left.
I am grateful he takes his driving responsibilities seriously.

My eldest has already been accepted into the PhD program. He has not yet done his Masters.

My 4th foster pup will graduate next week.  It has been confirmed. Fantastic news. He is being generous with the client (no oppositional behaviour). This was the pup of my heart.
We will go to the graduation. 

My 5th pup was evaluated today. He was unbelievably steady. Initially, he was over-the-moon to see the "puppy person" (she smells soooo good ) but settled nicely as we manoeuvred through heavy traffic, escalators, steep stairs and the subway. She says he is "ready". This is good-I think.
(good for him-not for me)

It's getting warmer outside.  bur please, no humidity or I'll beg for winter.

This tight throat started just over two weeks ago. It's never happened like this before, it's come and gone quickly. I have been bickering with myself over weight gain. February started some changes.
I swing between sheer anger with myself  that I didn't pay attention to clothes being a little snug and the realisation that being closer to 60 than 50 does bring some metabolic changes.
I am very unhappy with myself. My internal silent argument has me in distracted and in knots.
In March I  saw for the first time in my life that I was actually looking older. Tired.
For many years my evaluated/someones guess, age has been 5-8 years younger than my "stated age".  Today, trying on a few spring clothes was  awful.  So, not only do I look older and tired,
I feel fat. Time to dig deep and find some strength.  I've gained this extra 15 pounds before and lost it.  Wish I wasn't in this position. I'm not sure that if I have discipline. or maybe I just don't care.

I am just not ready to give up another pup yet. Emotionally,July is my "ready" date. That's when I was told re-call would (most likely be) but, yup, stuff changes, I know these pups are recalled.
I know it will happen. Just not sure where the last 8 months have gone.
My spouse has indicated  "not another pup this summer."  Not sure how I will manage not being able to go out late.very late on my own to enjoy the silence of a summer's night. After dark is fabulous and the comforting companionship of a large black lab is excellent company. Let's face it, an eight week old pup  doesn't offer any protection.  There is not a chance that i will go out alone or walk through those lovely fields by myself.          No way.

damn, the throat is like a vise grip.
breathe.      in.          out.         in            out                    in                 out

Lastly, I just received news today that my mum is to go back to the  hospital.  She is almost 94 and living in LTC. Her legs are now huge and infected.  This is not a lady that should spend any time in Emerg.  The risk of contracting other bacteria is huge.
She wishes to go so she can live there. (obviously not an option-but YOU try to explain this!)
It's very frustrating.
She won't lay down in a bed (no breathing problems) won't elevate her legs on a footstool.
Lack of executive function inhibite her ability  to make wise choices. The next few days are not going to be amusing.  Tomorrow will be difficult.

breathe. in.               out              . in                  out                   in                              out         

being able to manage will return.    I just have to find myself  and focus.

pup stretching to catch air
 after having a blast at the off leash park
now THAT"S called  focus!

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