Monday, 28 May 2012

discord

Living everyday with a demanding, manipulative, anxious spouse is more than draining,it restricts ability to breathe. This bully behaviour is insidious and quite hidden from anyone we have had contact with over the years. I feel trapped.  and sad.  and lonely.                   and trapped.
He has driven away our eldest and tonight the younger told me he just can't handle it anymore.
He would rather move out than stay at home. (home for the summer on a work term)
He is a super,kind, thoughtful son who lately has changed. He is more withdrawn. Tonight he was red-eyed. He wouldn't look at me, I wondered if he had been crying.
I came home late from work and the demands and bullying that I text my son to return home immediately started before I got in the door. I was met in the driveway by the spouse.
I was emotionally intimidated to tell him to come home. Comment after comment were made asking why he was out so late,that he had to work tomorrow, what was he doing, he was going to be tired, why, why why....  I was dizzy and bewildered.
Was it was late?  *just after midnight* but son was only across the  neighbourhood road and if he was going to be tired at work in the morning that would be his responsibility. He isn't home much after work, always out with friends. I think he tries to leave as soon as he can after dinner. He is now more distant with even me.
Quickly and quietly he told me tonight that as soon as he comes home there are lightening quick stabbing questions on where he was,what did he do? where did he go? who was he with? on and on.  It is too difficult for him.
He said he is willing to chat- but needs some space as he comes in the door.

I know that.

There have been no biggie problems with either son. Good students, ethical,morally strong,kind, periodic weekend drinking, brilliant in understanding others,responsible drivers,sometimes too ready to argue and quick tempered, late nights here and there, honest,loyal,sensitive,not too picky with their food,clean, driven to succeed in their chosen fields.
and becoming more distant with their dad.
I've always known that usually kids will come to "you" when they want to chat and share.
The "sneak-up sit" in the same room as a parent, the quiet, the calm and then they reveal.
 they need   space                 and opportunity to chat when they are ready.

The spouse takes any suggestions or comments as an attack on him.
There can be no suggestions. He is angry. Anxious. Depressed. Miserable.  with everyone. for years.
His mood swings are damaging to these fabulous sons. He has ostracised his brother and father.
His ability to criticize absolutely everyone, everyday is horrifying. When will  he realise how destructive it is?
More than a few times I have tried to discuss with him that he get some professional help.
For days he will be "just fine" then  there will be days of anger and distancing.

no wonder I am "sad"


The  concern I have received from my professional supports has increased lately. They are worried.
for me
my emotional health.  my physical health.
(independently they have voiced the same concern in the same week)
Recent studies have shown that women in a emotionally tense marital relationship may bring on a cardiac health problem.
There is no where for me to go.               I am stuck.        wedged.       



I am so caught.

so, for now, until I figure out what to do
I will walk the dog.                             often.     
                                                                                              late at night.                                               

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