Tuesday, 21 February 2012

I adore longer days (or beating lethargy)

The past two months I've been sitting.
sitting while at the lap top (freakin' best way to gain weight-damn electronics)
sitting in front of the TV, sitting in the car, sitting at work.
Just Sitting.
and uhm, it hasn't been because I hurt my foot last month (jammed by a metal gate) and to my total surprise I was able to be mobile within 48 hours. 
Sweet Lord I feel so lucky to be mobile. Thank-you.

Sheer lethargy has side-swiped me. I didn't feel depressed. I was doing daily outings with pup. Meeting a few friends here and there. I wasn't crying,wasn't feeling any more useless than usual (now that's something I could explore with you), for the most part I liked the way I looked.(never ending issue)
I'm thinking a new medication that was supposed to help with depression actually glued me to the chair. Stuck. for hours. late into the night. all day. for hours. no  energy. tired.
loss of short term memory. Funny thing- is that I told my doc I didn't feel sad. I didn't.
Then I started forgetting things. A lot of the time, most of the time, all the time.
names, where I put stuff, promises, lists, once I even got lost driving. and I have a intuitive, remarkable sense of direction.   I follow the sun. (guess the sun was behind the clouds that day!)

First I will explain:
Betterweatherahead is an amalgamation of my interest/passion/love of weather "swings" and hopeful that my life could be more for "me" and with less emotional swings (rather than pleasing everyone else,or worrying what they would think).
From 1997 to 2011 I was living with severe pressure when caring for an elderly mother with a long history of manipulation and as she aged, the onset of frontal lobe dementia. At the same time  I was attempting to manage overwhelming stress at work and not surprisingly, that resulted in professional burnout.  The result of this combination stress was that I had to take a break from nursing.
At exactly the same time my eldest son (my-son-in-sympatico) was crashing from a disease we didn't know and could hardly acknowledge.

Caregiver burnout plus professional burnout plus fears of gigantic proportions for a much loved son........     equals  breathlessly sleepless nights         and tears        

  •  and silly me kept fostering these adorable, silly & absolutely brilliant labrador pups.

It had to get better.   It couldn't get much worse.

          There   *   had   *   to   *   be   *  better   *  weather  * ahead

Thus my blog name.       betterweatherahead

for the most part, life has improved and for this I am thankful
it has taken a lot of work, dedication, therapy,the passing of time,organizational skills,
education,medication, and ignoring the doubters.
But (there is always a "but") I have had a wee bit of a relapse.
Perhaps it is due to carb-binging after 1000 p.m..
I don't drink (ah,uhm a wee beer once a month) (yeah for Amsterdam's Big Wheel!)
never smoked, no carb drinks,no diet drinks, no juice (only fruit) but dear Lord I love "me cookies" and bread.
I'm taking stock. Reorganizing. I have now stopped a medication that my doc thought would be helpful. The morning tiredness and lethargy has eased away.My next appointment is in two weeks and I will have to make a case for myself. he thinks meds are all of his patients final destination.  I'm pushing myself to do more. setting goals. finishing tasks. and most importantly
Goodness who knows when my bedtime is? shift work and trying to establish routines is really really hard.
Everything is affected, sleep, moods,meals,friendships,family gatherings,appointments everything.  
sometimes the effort to do anything is beyond me-
but then, I bundle up (or considering how "calm" this winter has been I don't bundle up!) and nudge myself outside.
I admit I adore really extreme weather.  Give me high winds,icy rain,frantic blowing of snow and I can be out in an instant-the dogs like it too!  (mind you I make sure they don't get chilled)

Sweet dreams.

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