Thursday, 22 December 2011

it's a funny time of year

Hardly anyone that I speak with likes Christmas. It's a stressful time.
so, if you feel that way you are not alone.

We are a very small family and have become quite isolated over the years.  I have no brothers or sisters. My spouse has had no relationship with his only sibling since 1995.
It seems when a marriage is failing any friends disappear.

oh    *DOES MY HUSBAND READ THIS BLOG?          and if he does.............

My mum is 93 and in long term care, his dad is 88 and focuses on food rather than any family conversation.
My husband becomes seriously morose and emotionally manipulative during holiday time.
Sounding unhappy eh?
well it is.
I try. I decorated the tree myself. Put up all the Christmas lights. Decorated the living room a wee bit.  Bought the gifts. Trying to plan the dinner. Do a little baking.
Nothing elaborate. It's pretty simple.
I want my boys to feel loved and close to us when we are all together.

My  husband gets easily irritated. He is now doing what his mum used to do-close the bedroom door and stay there alone. He denies depression. Sometimes silence for days and days and

Our eldest son will come home for a few days tomorrow.  I am nervous about family dynamics. In fact I'm scared. The dance between my eldest and his dad can be very tense. They are quite  short-tempered with each other. In fact, probably better not to be in the same room for too long. Even for myself a seemingly innocuous comment can trigger a steely eyed caustic comment.   or more.
Our son has had almost one year of good mental health care. No hospital admissions but weekly/every second week therapy. Medications seemed to have helped. He is doing well at school/work and his research is progressing well. His remoteness causes awkward silences and though his anger occurs less often, sometimes we feel it simmering.

I need to review my validation skills, not allowing myself to become engaged if it will cause an argument
below are some suggestions I found on a borderline personality web site-i think the ideas have significant value

It's called MEDIUM CHILL
(1) never share personal or private information on yourself (difficult to do with a  child-but it can be modified)
(2) never get involved in their problems/drama

(attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while NEVER violating items one or two
Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.
Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.
Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a healthy adult?
Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of eventual fire without realizing it?
If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

getting outside to walk both dogs will be great

oh-forgot to mention we have our fourth foster pup home for 2 weeks. too wonderful!
he is 14 months old and has had several months of training in the seeing-eye program.
he's big, healthy and very intuitive. great company for the pup
and for me

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